Taking it Day By Day - Creating Balance

You see on TV and movies the parents that can do it all, they balance work, life and their families, and they make it look so easy. Since the day Lucas and Riley were born I have found having kids is not what I ever thought it was going to be like. Having one healthy child is supposed to be hard enough, but to add multiples to the mix makes it that much more difficult. People ask me all the time how I do it, my response is simple – I don’t know the difference. Maybe that is the same for how I see my family and Autism.

I am “new” to what Autism is but not new to dealing with it daily. That is just it; I take it day by day. Today’s challenge – How do I create a balance so Riley doesn’t feel left out? I don’t have just one child who I can focus all of my energy on. In fact I have 3 people who need to feel loved and not forgotten everyday – Lucas, Riley, Jordan, oh and you can’t forget Chewbacca, so make it 4.

The Wake Up Call

Ever since Lucas was diagnosed with Autism I have gone through a number of emotions starting with feeling emotionally paralyzed, depressed and then trying to find out the best way to help Lucas by researching online and talking to friends and the boys’ therapists. Today during Lucas’ 4^th ABA therapy session I watched as he received 2 hours of personalized attention while Riley ran back and forth between the kitchen and the family room asking me to play, participating in some of Lucas’ activities and on his own.

All of my focus for the past couple of months has been on the fact that Lucas has Autism – now what? Or I keep fixating on the advice from numerous friends

• I am their best advocate
• Don’t let them get separated

Well here we are in my house and they could not be more together yet separate. I was worried about the possibility of two different schools in the fall. I should be thinking about the attention Riley isn’t getting and needs. Lucas just added 54 hours a month of therapy – they typically do it together even if a therapist is there for one but not the other. ABA therapy doesn’t seem to be working out the same way. Riley can join in if he wants, but it is not the therapist’s job to teach him to sit down and participate when he doesn’t want to.

My First Attempt to Create Balance

Lucas’ ABA therapy was in the morning, so when the boys got up from their nap it was time for Riley’s Educational Therapy. They used to do this together, but since the diagnosis Lucas no longer receives this therapy, so I decided to split the boys up - Lucas downstairs with me and Riley upstairs with his therapist. At first I thought the idea bombed! Riley was crying and wouldn’t work. So I sent him and the therapist back downstairs to be with Lucas; Riley said he didn’t want to be separated.

After 15 minutes of play/work I took Riley back upstairs for a diaper change. When we were done Riley sat down on the floor and refused to go downstairs again. He also said he didn’t want to play with the therapist – we were at a standoff with 45 minutes to go. Back downstairs I went and upstairs the therapist went armed with cars – something Riley can’t resist. It worked! They were playing together again in no time. I quietly slipped upstairs and rested the therapist’s toys outside the bedroom door so Riley didn’t see me and they could continue their one-on-one session.

Taking Tips From the Husband

Jordan has always made a concerted effort to spend equal time with the boys. I never felt the need to – I am with them every day from when they wake up until they go to bed, except while they are at school. Jordan comes home in the evenings and wants time with his kids. Lucas is such a Daddy’s boy and has a vibrant personality and Riley a Mommy’s boy that Jordan typically asks for specific time with Riley so they get their time together. This could be something as simple as asking to carry Riley up to bed for a nap instead of Lucas or sitting on the floor to play cars with just him.

The other day I asked Riley into their tent in the family room to play cars with me while Lucas did something else. I guess part of me was already feeling like he need this attention, but I don’t think I would have thought to do if it weren’t for my husband’s example. And tonight during our bedtime play ritual I found myself sending a lot of praise towards Riley as he sat on the floor and read Monster Trucks out loud. Jordan and Lucas were next to us playing. Lucas would go out of the room and spin for a bit, talk to Jordan and come get his hugs from me when he needed them. However, tonight my mind was on what Riley needed.            

What About Jordan? What About Me?

I know Jordan needs me and I try to be there for him. Since we were married we were told we should have a date night. We used to have theater tickets and that was like our date night. We gave those up while I was pregnant and we couldn’t go to the theater any more. Too much bed rest for me. Now, I try to make a nice dinner for him at least once a week (sometimes that is stretching it) that we can share after the kids go to bed or make him a cup of coffee in the morning so he knows I am thinking about him.

As for me I have a cooking club and book club that I am involved in. Those have been amazing outlets for me to get out of the house and do something that isn’t kid or family related. My girlfriends have also been amazingly supportive of me since I shared my story with them about Lucas’ recent diagnosis.

Continuing the Balance

This is the part that makes me the most nervous. I saw one problem today and found a way to do something about it. Who knows what tomorrow will bring in the balancing act and that is why I just have to keep taking it one day at a time!

Sample Schedule in Our Balancing Act

	Sun	Mon	Tues	Wed	Thurs	Fri	Sat
8 am	Wake Up, Get Dressed, Have Breakfast
9 am			School		School
10 am	ABA			OT		PT
11 am		ABA		ABA		ABA	Class
12 pm
1 pm	Nap		Nap	Nap
2 pm		Nap				Nap
3 pm
4 pm		Speech	ABA
5 pm				Edu.
6 pm	Dinner
7 pm
8 pm	Bed Time

ABA - Applied Behavior Analysis Therapy
Edu. - Educational Therapy
OT - Occupational Therapy
PT - Physical Therapy

How Do You Keep Balance in Your Life?
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